hi alright so this is so personal i really cant believe im even sharing all this but HERE WE GO! this month is mental health awareness month and i will be the first to say ive had some experience here. idk how deep this will get so fair warning:)

im gonna take yall way back to my 8th grade year (2015). that my friends is when s**t hit the fan- theres honestly no other way to put it. i was at the greatest school i couldve ever been at and everyday i was able to go to school with 15 of my best friends. these people knew me inside and out and everything at that school was so close-knit, it seriously felt like family, it still does. i was the only one ‘graduating’ from there and going to the high school i currently go to. that hit me so much harder than i ever thought possible, i’m telling ya i ugly cried the last two months of school.

little backstory, my dad and his side of the family have had different mental illnesses so shoutout to them for passing that one along:) jk, i really wouldnt be where i am today if i hadnt gone through all this, as cliche as it sounds. anyways, i could tell something was up because i was so isolated and angry all the time. my parents had even taken me to try to get me on medication but the doctors weren’t prescribing me the right stuff or they would just tell us “shes being a teenager” which is slightly true but ill tell you that if every teenager was the way i was acting, yall would be IN FOR IT. fast forward im in the process of trying to talk to people/get medication for all this and everything about 8th grade year and leaving that whole chapter of my life GOT ME GOOD.

honestly, i don’t remember much of the last half of my 8th grade year. like ive literally blocked it out. there were nights i would have anxiety attacks and i don’t remeber anything at all. at this point ive said more than i thought i would so im gonna get real with yall cause if this post can help just 1 person ill be very grateful. i told you i dont remember much of that year but there is 1 night i will not forget. i didn’t even remember it until sophomore year when i did a project relating to it and god love my teacher when i lost my mind in class that day cause i was just sitting at my computer researching and it all came back at once. this particular night i was so so so down in the dumps i really did not know what to do with myself. i do not remember details of this night but what i do remember is i did try to take my own life. there it is, yall really know it all rn. i really cannot believe im saying this on the internet (not even some of my best friends know this LOLLLLLL). all i recall is my mom coming into my room frantic and then i was in the car and at the st vincent stress center in the middle of the night. i really cannot tell you anymore than that.

what kills me the most is the absolute hell i put my parents through not just that night but that year. they handled me so well and found the right doctors that ended up diagnosing me with mad depression and anxiety. love that for me honestly. anyways, i got the right medication and was able to enter my freshman year on the best terms.

THINGS GET BETTER. its so hard to see that when you feel like youre just walking circles in the dark. i was at the point of “seriously, what is the purpose of me being here” and i could not see even a spark at the end of the tunnel. i will shout it from the mountain tops i stand so strongly on this: if you cant enjoy life and youre always sad/mad/worried/anxious to another degree, GET HELP. that might sound rude and so many people have opinions on it but IT IS NOT ALL IN YOUR HEAD YOU CANNOT JUST ‘ERASE’ MENTAL ILLNESS ON YOUR OWN!!!!!!! go talk to someone or get on medicine there is nothing to be ashamed of and thats facts.

my freshman year of high school was probably the best year of my life. i met all kinds of new people and i was on cloud 9. everything was literal sunshine and happiness all the way around and its all because i got help. medication doesn’t ‘drug you up’ it just changes your mentality and that does straight wonders.

im tired of there being this awful stigma around mental illness, im so sick of it. ill tell you rn there are so many more people than you think that have serious mental health issues. do not be ashamed or embarrased if you need help- it will literally save your life. everyone deserves to be happy and live to the fullest because we seriously only have 1 life, we deserve to love it.

ill tell you right here that it has not been all uphill since then. i have now changed medicine about 4 times and each time has hit me like a whole bus. im proud of myself to say that i know realize when things are going to be bad and i understand it will get better, because before i really believed there was no end to the crap i was going through.

my advice after all this is to just love your people, check in on your people, and dont see this kinda thing as anything to be embarrased about. you’re so loved and you WILL get through whatever youre going through. live happily and make the greatest memories.

if youre reading this, i love you and my door is always open! PLEASE text or dm me or anything i promise i will be there for you the best i can. on another note im literally shaking i cannot believe im sharing this but this is the perfect time to share my experience and my views on mental health. i am by no means a genious about this stuff but i know what that darkness feels like and i will help you out the best i can!

if you read all this…..well cheers to you!!

XOXO LANE